I know this will come off as seeming very whiney, pathetic and attention seeking. I promise that is not my intention. I'm just feeling a little thoughtful today and have come to the conclusion that I may be broken.
I'm pretty happy, and it's no wonder! I have a wonderful husband who is fun, understanding and supportive. He loves to make me happy, and he does. My kids are healthy, fun-loving and obedient (for the most part). I have extended family members who are a big part of my life. I have a comfortable enough home and lifestyle. I am confident in who I am and in my beliefs and I find a great deal of joy in being a member of my church and all of the opportunites to serve that come with that. Life is busy, fulfilling, and good.
Sometimes, though, I overhear conversations or read things in blogs about things that people do together - friends who spend time together on a regular basis. It makes me blaringly aware that I don't really have many friends. Oh, don't get me wrong. According to Facebook I have almost 400 friends. And there are so many people that I love and who I know love me. I actually feel quite blessed to know so many wonderful people - but what I think I'm missing is that comfortable kind of relationship that comes from knowing things about each other and spending time together.
I've had friends like this in the past. In high school, in college, and as a young single adult I always had at least a small group of friends that I enjoyed doing things with made up of individuals that I spoke to on nearly a daily basis. Many of those people are still a part of my life in a long distance sort of way.
Since I've been married these types of friendships have become fewer and farther between. In the past 11 years I can only think of 2 friends who really fit into this category (and they live too far away now to see on a regualar basis) and maybe 2 or 3 more who kind of come close. I tend to go through my life thinking this is pretty normal. I'm busy keeping up with my family, home and church responsibilities and I figure everyone else is too. But then I hear or read about friends who exercise, go out to lunch, go to the zoo, go to the childrens' museum, take trips together, etc. and I can't help but wonder what I am missing.
Perhaps my perception of myself is way off base. I think of myself as a kind, interested, thoughtful and fun person. I like people. I try to be the kind of person that people will like (you know, I don't put people down or walk around with a frown on my face). I don't think I make it hard to get to know me - I'm pretty much an open book.
Whenever I talk to Jeremy about this he tells me that I should start inviting people to do stuff with me. Let me tell you. I've done it! So many times I've invited someone to do something with me and had a terrific time never to hear from them again. Or we talk about getting together again, but it never works out (and not just because of me) and all the while I'm hearing of things that they are doing with other people.
I'm not necessarily asking for advice here. I know that if I had some fatal flaw that noone would want to be so unkind as to tell me - but honestly, even if it hurt a little, I would probably welcome the answer to my quandry. And if it's something as simple as needing to put on a little more deodorant or eating a mint, by all means, let me know!
The only logical conclusion that I can come to is that I am broken. Maybe we all have some kind of friendship output that lets other people know that we would like to be their friend, or some kind of receptor that lets us know when someone wants to be our friend - and mine are out of order. I don't know. But until I figure it out, I will continue on in joy and gratitude for the meaningful relationships that I do have and hope that someday I can figure out how to fix my friendship malfunction.
7 comments:
awe trish...not even cool! i miss you so much! we should do fun stuff like this when i'm officially home for the summer. you're not broken, just (as someone who does things with lots of people) people tend to only put effort for those they think actually really need the attention. no one really is very interested in hanging out with me unless i make the suggestions and then it's all from there. just keep trying, or maybe (like me) you are just trying with the wrong people? that happened to me in my junior year. keep it up, you're one of the greatest leaders and friends of all time!
oh don't you worry...this may have happened after you got married...but i've actually come across this problem at a pretty early age, like now lol
and i agree with miss meaghan, you are one of the most awesomely amazing people i know!
<3 you!!
I have the same malfunction. I've spent a lot of time dissecting it. I've realized that I am pretty dang content to just spend time with my husband and my kids. In fact, I feel like I never have enough time with my husband and my kids.
I'd rather go to the zoo with just my kids, than with a friend and her kids, because I want to TALK to my children. I don't want to hush them all day while I talk to a friend.
I'd rather go on a date with just my husband rather than double-date with friends, because I want time with Jason. We never get enough alone time.
Jason and I often ask ourselves why we don't have closer friends. (I mean, we're so cool and fun, it just doesn't make sense.) We've decided that maybe those kind of intimate friends fill a void for others that we don't have right now.
Maybe your void is stuffed full too. :)
Trish - as someone that loves you more than my luggage, this makes me sad. I will say that I understand. Much like the comments before, I have been having the same thoughts. I might have even talked with you about them before. I really like what Britt said about maybe not having a void to fill. I think girlfriends are very important and I think everyone relies on their girlfriends for different things at different times. I don't think there's anything wrong with the fulling relationships you do have. You have an awesome relationship with your sister. You have a best frind in Jeremy. You have kids that you enjoy. You have Nick and I am a ton of fun people at church! I think if you ever wanted to have a "girl's night" and just go to dinner, you could pull a name out of a hat from the people in your life and whoever you called would be happy to hear from you! :-) You are a really amazing person and though I am biased, I am also sincere. I also tend to agree with Meaghan with the comment that sometimes people put their attention on the people that "need" it and you may not appear to "need" them as you are happy, safe, loved, and fullfilled from their perspective. Think about it... Who gets most of your prayers, your thoughts. Probably the people that you know "need" them. I know I don't always do the best job of offering up prayers for those I don't think need them... That's not the best way to look at it, but I think especially with the wonderful ladies you know, they are probably wearing themselves out on the people who appear to "need" them most. It may be a wonderful compliment to your happy life that no one feels like they "Have" to be there, becuase you are doing great and you are busy helping others. It seems like you are either a helpee or a helper all the time in life and and if you are able to be the helper, no one thinks you need to be the helpee... Just my thoughts. You are not broken. Quite the contrary. You are a pillar of strenght. I adore you.
Brittany, It's so funny that you said that, because I was just thinking yesterday morning that I actually prefer to do things alone with my kids because then I can give them my attention. Most of the time I feel exactly the way you do, but then there are those times when I realize that the rest of the world is seemingly having a terrific time doing things together and I am hanging out in left field! I'm so glad to know that I am not the only one who thinks about this.
To all of you, including those who have sent your responses via email, thank you. Your kind words have reminded me that I really do have amazing friends. I do believe, and have for a long time, that often when we feel lonely it is because our perception is a bit skewed.
So, my conclusion is that I am not broken, but rather I just function a little differently than some other people. And, most importantly, my cup is truly running over with great family and friends!
I don't think you're broken...I think you're perfect!
I'm finding out we are even more similar than I originally thought. I rarely participate in play groups, girls outings etc. I'd rather just be with my family. Making memories with your hubby and kids will be more special and memorable to you in the years to come. I don't think you are missing out on anything Trish. You are one of the most "together" people I know. You're amazing, woman!!! I love you and am going to really MISS YOU!
Trish I just wrote you this loooooong comment and I think I lost it. Here is the shorted version. You are loved and needed. I do not always think to turn to you for your needs, but I sure do turn to you for my needs. Sorry. Maybe I am the one that is broken. The longer version was so much better. Love you and I do think you are pretty great.
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